Recently, Trey Pennington wrote a post Developing relationships with a little LESS conversation in which he has started a multi-part review of Tom Asacker’s book, A Little Less Conversation: Connecting with Customers in a Noisy World. Although their emphasis is on commercial communication and leveraging the power of social media, underlying this is the foundation skill of building relationships.
The past, present & future of relationship-building
Trey’s post sparked me to respond with the following comment:
“The leverage and sustainable value will be with those who master listening their way into relationships rather than talking their way in – no matter what the medium.”
To listen – to tune in, be sensitive to, be open and responsive to – rather than talk your way in is the past, present and future of relationship-building. It’s the most powerful way. The alpha and omega. Nothing new there. What’s new is the timing.
Why now?
Given the explosion in global, 24-hour-a-day connectivity facilitated by the wider spread adoption of ‘social’ tools and technology, the time is absolutely ripe to revisit your approach to people. As the novelty of making volume-based connections wears off, the advantage will be those who have focused on building value-based relationships. As connectivity becomes generic, the future will belong to those with share-of relationship, not share-of-voice.
“The future belongs to those with share-of-relationship.”
Most will fail
Listening your way into relationships is simple, even easy if – and it’s a monumental ‘if’ – if you can overcome the at times overwhelming me-centric gravitational force to talk, talk, talk your way in.
How do you resist the temptation to blah-cast yourself in a world where self-expression and getting heard are woven into the very DNA of the current tools and technologies? Me 2.0 enablers such as YouTube, iPhone, MySpace – even Twitter, all have an implicit ‘me-first, my audience second’ functionality.
Relationship rock-stars?
Even if you can inch forward into this headwind of me-diocrity, you hit the fact that the Me 2.0 culture lionizes the players with the biggest numbers of followers, fans and friends. There are few relationship rock-stars in the land of crowd-sourcing and popularity ranking.
“Which sounds better, having a million fans or 150 relationships?”
This is partly driven by the age old struggle to develop and agree on quality measures for relationships. How do you measure trust? How do you measure the quality of comments people leave on your blog? Quantity measures for connections are so much easier – and so much more fun. Honestly, which sounds better – having a million fans or 150 relationships?
At the centre of power is we
So nothing’s changed, and everything’s changed. Relationships are still built and broken on what is heard not what is said, and our power to connect anytime with anyone has never been stronger. The opportunity, for those who could be bothered, resides where these two worlds collide – connected hearing.
Transform me-technology to we-technology. Instead of using the me-tools to get my voice out there, use them as we-tools – hearing aids – to listen and respond to people, and build long-term relationships based on trust and mutual value. Now there’s a green-fields opportunity for bold leaders.
Your thoughts, opinions and experiences
- What do you think is the future of relationship-building on-line?
- Are you surrounded by people who talk or listen their way into relationships? Why is that?
- Could you do better at listening your way into relationships? How, specifically?
22 Responses to this post
January 4, 2010 at 7:09 pm |
Q: What do you think is the future of relationship-building on-line?
A: I’m exciting about it, we became a friend because of that. We all contributing to Humanity’s higher callings with each relation established.
Q: Are you surrounded by people who talk or listen their way into relationships? Why is that?
Q: Could you do better at listening your way into relationships? How, specifically?
I didn’t get these questions!
January 4, 2010 at 7:22 pm |
Thanks, Mohammed. Your participation is greatly appreciated and a testimony to the fact that you are a listener first and talker second in your relationship-building.
Question 2 is really encouraging you to notice the relationship-building behaviours of the people in your sphere of influence. Are they people who tend to talk about themselves first or quickly change any topic of conversation to their opinion or their experience or what happened to them? These are the talkers.
Or are they people who tend to ask about you and what’s important to you? Do they listen carefully to your answers and ask for clarification on the things they don’t quite understand (like you have done here, Mohammed)? Do they “hear” you intellectually, emotionally – even spiritually? These are the listeners.
Question 3 is really asking you to notice which of the above two behaviours – talking or listening – do you tend to default to first when building relationships? Are you more comfortable talking about yourself first, or asking about others first?
If you find yourself wanting to talk first, what could you do to become more of a listener first? For example, make a point of asking others at least two good quality questions before giving them your story.
Hope this clarifies things, Mohammed.
Best to you, Robin
January 4, 2010 at 7:35 pm |
Its so clear now. I’m trying to ask good questions on Twitter and listening to their answers. Twitter is a listening tool at the end. I love it
I will try to have listening behavior mode always and forever. Is that what you advice us to?
How can I change people behaviors in order to be good listeners?
Thanks!
January 7, 2010 at 1:30 pm |
Just being aware of the value of listening is a great start. Then as the temptation to talk builds up in you, pause and check that the other person has finished expressing their opinion.
My rule of thumb is to only offer my opinion or ‘story’ if I’m asked for it.
Another thing to get good at is asking questions of other people in a way that doesn’t ‘interrogate’ them, but helps them to feel valued and respected.
Best to you, Mohammed.
Robin
January 5, 2010 at 6:09 am |
Thank you for including me in your piece.
Putting the emphasis on “we” is a good place to start. Overcoming what you’ve beautifully labeled “me-centric gravitational force” will be the hurdle. In my country we’ve institutionalized me-ship and perfected the art of self-aggrandizement throughout our political system. Big business seems to have followed suit. Could be because our institutions of higher education have indoctrinated us that the “goal of business is to increase shareholder wealth.” Encouraging folks to buy into contrary concepts like those Bob Burg espouses in The GoGiver will probably take a rewriting of our very DNA.
I especially like another term of yours: “blah-cast.”
January 5, 2010 at 6:21 am |
You’re very welcome, Trey. Thank you for responding, encouraging me and adding value to this discussion.
Your expression ‘institutionalized me-ship’ really nails it. What an important topic to unfold before getting too cute with short-term quick-fixes and knee-jerk reactions.
My thought about ‘the headwind of me-diocrity’ is probably more a gale-force wind in the context of your reference to such commercial and institutional inertia.
Looking forward very much to your narrative and ideas on how ‘we’ approach this uncertain, but exciting future as individuals collaboratively, and corporately.
Best to you,
Robin
January 5, 2010 at 12:38 pm |
- How do you measure the quality of comments?
- How hard do I believe in what I’m writing or producing? If it’s too hard, it can turn into a dangerous weapon of making me blind for new (and maybe better) ideas. If it’s too light, it can make me under valuate my potential. I want to believe in myself so I keep getting better by producing more, valuing my own work, and OBSERVING other people’s comments and work so I don’t enclosure myself in a self-contained capsule that will lead me to failure.
It’s not easy to conclude that your idea is not good or that it’s not new or that you should work more on it.
I believe good quality comments are the ones that make you rethink your ideas and analyze whether you’re believing too much or too less in YOURSELF.
January 7, 2010 at 1:32 pm |
Thanks, Daniel. That’s an excellent way to assess the quality of comments. I really appreciate your fresh thinking and ideas. You make a very positive contribution to this conversation.
Best to you, Robin
January 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm |
I think building relationships always takes time, face to face or online. A year is the minimum for real frienships and trust to be built. After that is just keeps getting better.
January 6, 2010 at 8:20 pm |
Thanks, Annabel. Yes, I agree with you – and some longer than others. I friend once told me that a relationship doesn’t even start until your first good argument. More food for thought.
Great to see you,
Robin
January 5, 2010 at 6:46 pm |
I think social media is a great tool for we-relationships. Although social media can be Me-centric, it also provides endless opportunities for collaborations and for “social media kharma”.
January 6, 2010 at 8:23 pm |
Thanks, Stacey – and thanks for creating a bit more ‘social media kharma’ over this way. Building on your excellent comment, I guess the ‘we’ or ‘me’ focus of these great tools and technologies is entirely up to us – our purpose and intention.
Great to connect with you.
Best, Robin
January 5, 2010 at 8:57 pm |
Hi Robin,
I am new to your blog but having read two of your recents posts, I have become a fan. However, I don’t want you to have yet another fan (: – hence taking my time to savour your post, see how it applies to my own life and comment.
The way I see it-
The future of relationship-building on-line is bright and promising for all but especially for those who are here for genuine relationship building first, followed by promoting their products and not the other way round. Like Annabel commented, we need to give it time but instead of waiting for the other person, proactively nurture the relationship we want to see flourish.
Those who listen their way into relationships are very few but they are the ones who win people’s trust. Also they are the ones who pride in building more relatioships than fans. Unlike others who talk their way into relatioships, they donot have to prove to others about their self worth.
I can certainly do better at listening my way into relationships. Rather than appear to be listening and assume I understand, I can clarify what I thought I heard more often.
Thank you for a great post,
Rani
January 7, 2010 at 1:37 pm |
Hi Rani,
I love that you have joined this conversation in such a positive and generous way. You have made some beautiful distinctions that shed light and wisdom on a topic that people typically leave behind in the wake of their rush to more ‘exciting’ things.
I look forward to our developing connection.
Best to you, Robin
January 6, 2010 at 9:24 am |
Hi Robin,
I feel the future of building relationships online is important for some and not for others. It depends on what sort of conversation you want to be apart of and whether the listening is done offline or online.
My questions is do you feel the people who refrain from sharing online or listening online are potentially going to be less connected in strong relationship than the people like us who are online?
This is the first time I have a read a piece from you and found it thought provoking and interesting to consider. However just a small note, after looking at your ‘About’ page your product focuses a lot on the term ‘you’ and ‘persuade’. Do these terms have any contradiction to the recent post or are they aspects of these in the focus on ‘WE’ instead of ‘me’.
Thanks Samuel
January 6, 2010 at 7:39 pm |
Thanks, Samuel.
It’s a real pleasure to have you visit, read and contribute to this blog.
In answer to your first question, I believe that technology simply facilitates and amplifies our relationship intentions. Whether our purpose is to build strong and deep connections with a few people, or build shallower, more casual acquaintances with many, the on-line tools and technologies can foster both.
So no, I don’t feel that people who refrain from sharing online miss out, but I also believe that there are generational influences – and that the younger generations will lean more on the convenience and global reach of building relationships online. Their choice of quantity vs. quality is another thing.
Regarding my About page. Apart from saying that it is overdue for a serious rewrite, my use of terms like ‘you’ and ‘persuade’ are completely consistent with building ‘we-lationships’, not ‘me-lationships’.
Best to you,
Robin
Trackbacks