This one’s gone off!
Notes:
Our life-times are full of relationships – relationships that could be described in any number of ways including shallow, deep, intense, intimate, superficial, high-maintenance or effortless. When you think of all the relationships you’ve experienced throughout your life, do you think that those which have now past had a natural shelf-life – a life-cycle of birth, growth, senescence and death?
Let’s discuss this in the comments below.
Your thoughts…
Do relationships have a natural shelf-life?
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31 Responses to this post
April 2, 2010 at 5:24 pm |
This would depend on the particular relationship. I hope our relationships are not all doomed from the onset, with a timer consciously or subconsciously in the background.
The goals and expectations within each relationship are clearly different.
Relationships come and go. Some are expected to be temporary whilst others are entered into with the best intentions, yet somehow fizzle out and disappear, whilst others leave permanent footprints!
April 3, 2010 at 4:35 pm |
Thanks, Janna. Great that you kicked off this discussion.
In your opinion, what are the essential ingredients that add to the ‘shelf-life’ of relationships?
Best to you, Robin
April 2, 2010 at 5:39 pm |
What a picture! Crikey mate!
Good question Robin. As you know, I asked about “Mass Relationship” recently, and I think this ties into the same discussion. With ‘virtual’ becoming increasingly part of our lives, what are the processes, expectations, etc, of relationships?
Of course this is also in the physical world as well. If I think about the word ‘friend’, it used to mean something. Now ‘friend’ can mean ‘acquaintance’.
A lot of this is surely a product of our connectedness?
So do relationships have a natural shelf life. Urm, I’m not sure how to answer. Certainly I think one relationship might be less likely to last than another – but can last far longer if the right effort is put into it.
It’s a combination of proximity, commonality, time, frequency..
April 3, 2010 at 4:37 pm |
Thanks, Scott. Quality input, as always.
I’m curious, what specifically do you mean by ‘right effort’?
Best, Robin
April 2, 2010 at 9:11 pm |
What a pic! Reminds me of the Diary of a Wimpy kid.
My wife and I have been talking about this very subject. I think its hard to maintain friends for a lifetime. As we change, so will the nature of our relationships. Although it can be hard to endure, its part of the flow of life…
April 3, 2010 at 4:40 pm |
Thanks, Greg. Great to see your comment.
Is there a point in some longer-term relationships where the effort you are putting in to maintain them isn’t being reciprocated? What do you do in these situations?
Best, Robin
April 2, 2010 at 9:54 pm |
I think to say they have a natural shelf life means that all things remain constant and with that in mind you can probably feel whether it will last or not. Although for one to finish it has to be definite full stop. Most relationships just fade away but don’t stop just sit on a different level, tucked away until another time, whenever that may be. Relationships change to external / internal influences. The longer they last the more value they have provided.
As the word relationship can mean so many things on so many levels its easy at first hand (if sensible) where a relationship may sit, but it has surprised me how relationships grow as the level of communication increases, but I think I shall stick with value and of course circumstance of life.
As we grow so do the things around us just depends in which direction.
I’m sure there is a formula out there identifying the average number of relationships on any given level throughout an individuals lifetime….
Before I forget the word relationship means both individuals know they are in it, not just one sided : )
Enough babbling….
April 3, 2010 at 4:42 pm |
Thanks, Rajesh. That’s an interesting comment.
In your opinion, what makes a relationship last?
Best, Robin
April 5, 2010 at 1:45 am |
Thats a tough one to answer but in my naivety I’ll give it a go, what makes it last…. I guess reminding yourself that when times are difficult or simply not the way you would like it to be and the easier option is to take a back step or walk away, that there is value in a particular relationship… mmmm tough one, maybe I’ve simplifies it too much as nothing is that black and white is it?
Living in a world with shades of grey ; )
April 5, 2010 at 9:06 pm |
Thanks, Rajesh. Your extended input enriches this discussion.
Best, Robin
April 3, 2010 at 1:42 am |
Hey Robin,
I believe relationships, of all kinds, are like peanut butter. It never goes bad, but if its been sitting in the back of the pantry for a few years undisturbed, you don’t want to eat it. Know what I mean?
All the Best,
Greg
April 3, 2010 at 4:44 pm |
Hey Greg, that’s a great analogy.
How would you reinvigorate those longer-term relationships that have been “sitting in the back of the pantry for a few years undisturbed”?
Best, Robin
May 1, 2010 at 12:25 am |
Hey Robin,
Well, sticking with the analogy, sometimes you don’t revive it until you are in the mood for peanut butter. But when you get in the mood, or miss the person, they suddenly become the most important and nothing else will do, so that will be the motivation needed to renew those old relationships.
April 3, 2010 at 8:57 am |
Robin,
I think if we learn quickly to position all of our relationships in the correct place in our relational matrix then we can add a longevity to them – taking the good that is in them without allowing the bad to destroy us. Once we realise that relationships are measured in distance [we are very close / I feel you're very distant] then the strategy to longevity of any relationship is it’s spatial positioning.
My relationship with God through His Son, Jesus is at the epicentre of all of my relationships. He is also the One that teaches me to maintain all of relationships and successfully navigate them [yes, even the toxic ones]. My wife and I have been married 25 years and loving our lives together. Our church still retains it’s original members that were with us when we pioneered the ministry 16 years ago. I’m going to my 30th school reunion and many of those friends then are still good friends now.
I’m hoping that most of my relationships will have a shelf life for as long as my life is on the shelf here on earth.
April 3, 2010 at 4:46 pm |
Thanks, Michael. It’s marvelous to receive your generous input into this topic.
In your experience, what helps us to build long-term relationships of quality?
Best to you, Robin
April 3, 2010 at 2:25 pm |
Hello Robin,
This is such a quirky and delicate topic. I’ve always considered that there are “friends of the road” and “friends of the heart”. Friends of the road seem to fill a contemporary need for each and are transient while friends of the heart last. And so it is, for me, with personal and professional relationships and those, rare, that magically cross the line into both. Some are transitory and others lasting. For the most part, I know which they will be from the very beginning, or maybe I should say, which I hope for them to be.
I value all, give back as much as possible, enjoy for the moment, and treasure the longterm.
Best, Kristina
April 3, 2010 at 4:50 pm |
Hi Kristina, your input is always rich and valuable. Thank you.
Like you, I tend to have an instinct for those that are transitory and those that are lasting. How do you know whether a relationship will be lasting or transitory? In your experience, are there any reliable markers?
Best to you, Robin
April 3, 2010 at 3:11 pm |
Hello Robin,
Kristina, your distinction between ‘friends of the road’ and ‘friends of the heart’ really resonates with me – thanks for sharing that thought.
I believe we create relationships when when we enable them to grow, and they grow through conversation that we allow to take us and the relationship somewhere. When we stay in conversation we have the ability to keep re-generating the relationship.
So to keep a relationship going what we need to do is feed it by contributing to it and not neglecting it. Not always easy in a world where it’s easy to get stuck in routine transactional communication, but worthwhile for sure.
Best,
Kate
April 3, 2010 at 4:52 pm |
Thanks, Kate. That’s useful input indeed.
In your experience, how specifically do we ‘feed a relationship by contributing to it’?
Best to you, Robin
April 3, 2010 at 5:19 pm |
To all participants…
Have you ever experienced the end of a relationship and realized afterward that it was *you* who was doing all of the work to keep it going – as if you were acting as ‘life-support’?
Is there a danger that our best intentions can sometimes push relationships beyond the term of their natural life?
Robin
April 5, 2010 at 1:49 am |
Yes for sure, sometimes you give more than you receive, I think its ok to show support, until it becomes a negative force in your own life. At which point some serious evaluating needs to take place. Do you change things or leave it be…
April 5, 2010 at 8:10 pm |
Great input from people. Really interesting and thought-provoking discussion and a fab topic.
It’s always a sobering moment when one realises that it’s oneself who’s doing all the work. It happens. I used to become frustrated and disappointed and, to a large degree, ruthless in termination. We feel hurt, let-down, used. But it’s really, quite often, the smell of burning martyr that’s acrid on the nostrils.
Over time, I’ve come to realise that most relationships are highly dependent on expectation. Shift that, and there’s usually a very different perspective to be had.
I think it’s important to look at ‘ourselves’ first. Are our expectations out of sync? Of course this doesn’t always work.
We’re then forced to ask ourselves the question ‘should we even have expectations?’ This may sound a strange question, but when one considers that to have expectations immediately means there’s an ‘agenda’ – it doesn’t allow the relationship to evolve naturally. Another can of worms! Can we ever stop having expectations? Is an agenda OK so long as it’s not hidden? If we have a hidden agenda, then, QED, our expectations are so out of sync the relationship was always doomed from the start.
Maybe doing all the work is actually necessary sometimes? If we accept that all people are different and that they’re not, naturally, going to fit in with our way of doing things all the time but nevertheless have a great deal to offer – we have to make a call (both literally and figuratively).
And, when we think about it, the reverse is true isn’t it? How many times have we all been in situations where we’ve misjudged a person and by default prevented the start-up of a relationship, only to later discover that we had a lot more in common with them than we first realised? The next thing we know is that we’re godfather to their son, best man at their wedding, etc. We’re a fickle bunch us homo sapiens.
The final point I’d like to throw into this discussion ties in with previous posts. If we accept that words are only around 7% of communication – then it highlights that communication (the bedrock of starting and maintaining a relationship) is usually the root cause of problems. Maybe we’re not communicating our expectations well enough? The words sound good but the other 93% of communication markers aren’t being picked up.
My goodness. This now leads onto other discussions re. online versus offline etc (we’ve had some of these too on here and they rocked). Love this as a place to hang out and debate.
Best wishes, Luke
April 5, 2010 at 9:15 pm |
Thanks, Luke. That is rich indeed.
One of the things that led me to this post was the number of people from previous relationships/associations who have used social media to get back in touch with me after years, even decades have elapsed.
These people were friends indeed, but friends from another time and another place. Whilst it’s nice to get these prompts, my instinct has been to leave the past in the past, and not ‘rekindle’ such ‘relationships’.
My conclusion has been that these connections have played their part in life’s journey – valuable and important roles – and that is good enough.
It’s really as if they have played out their full life-cycle – their shelf-life, and to reopen the door almost seems as if it will mess with this sense of life rhythm. Do you know what I mean?
Best as always,
Robin
April 5, 2010 at 9:36 pm |
Got it! Understand completely and concur. Looking forward (after suitable reflection) is very important. I like the expression ‘messing with a sense of rhythm.’ That sums it up perfectly. Rhythm is a vital component as part of our journeys.
April 5, 2010 at 11:55 pm |
I think when a particular relationship is re-ignited its never going to be the same as the individuals have grown but not together, not sharing those certain little experiences that we share along the way….. maybe?
April 6, 2010 at 12:48 am |
Robin,
My answer to this question so puzzled me until you put it into the context of your experience with social media. And then I knew that my sentiment echoes Catherine’s exactly!
I hope you week is well into wonderful!
Best Regards,
Kristina
April 4, 2010 at 6:16 pm |
Yes
April 5, 2010 at 9:17 pm |
Thanks, Catherine. Let’s discuss this over a coffee, soon.
Best to you, Robin
June 4, 2010 at 1:06 am |
Great idea for a discussion topic and obviously on peoples minds too judging by the number of comments. I think relationships are very complex and sophisticated, yet we rarely treat them that way. We see them, particularly at work as too simplistic. Thats why we end up in trouble. I think there is what I would cause natural wastage. Things change, you change, your connections change, your business changes. The key thing is to understand that, not take it too personally and move on.
In terms of business, I’m a great believer in having a ‘good old clear out.’ You don’t always get out what you put in! It’s important to feel valued in a relationship. The minute that starts to be compromised, is the time to start asking the question whether its temporary or the gentle side to obscurity. I think the ability to build, maintain, enlighten and influence relationships is an essential and exceptional new skill set required for the future days of collaboration, partnership and co-creation!
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